wanted it to engulf you, wanted it to shatter and leave?
certifiable kind of crazy. The kind of crazy that rips through your brain, your
body and drives you deep into a pit that you can’t climb from. Ever.
to the bad place. The place that I thought I had locked up inside my head. I went
screaming back into the darkness of my illness’ and fell off the cliff into
oblivion. Shattering and shredding.
the crazy that has invaded my ever waking thought and moment.
minutes, seconds. Until I can’t stop my heart from racing, my skin from feeling
like its being ripped from the sinew and bone beneath it, with razorblades sewn
beneath my skin. In a constant state of panic and anxiety. Until I’m shaking
from the constant fear and constant need to dig a hole and bury myself.
into a dark hole that consumed me. I feel like it took my fragility and
shattered it, until I’m just a bunch of broken pieces strewn about, and stomped
your mental illness is capable of taking you. The fear, the anger, at knowing
that you aren’t and will never be ‘normal’.
recognizing the girl who looked at me and wanted to scream until my throat
allow them to do what they could to fix the problems that lay beneath my skin.
Fix the physical issues.
path. The panic that consumed me. Oh dear Lord…only he can really know just bad
it was and is.
trust implicitly, someone you know will never ever, harm you. And then they do.
It leaves you reeling, curled up in yourself trying to fix the world around
you. Trying to understand how everything could go so wrong, in the space of a
moment, a blink of the eye.
the most part. But mostly it was because I lived and breathed in a very
controlled environment. I know and knew what could set off my issues like a
bomb and a kick to the head. And I did what I had to, to push and close out
anything and everything that could tip the scales.
out of the bag, and that cat wasn’t going back into the bag. Not without
scratching the hell out of me. Leaving bloody ribbons of where my skin used to
unraveling. I’ve unraveled on multiple occasions. And for the most part, I can
look back at my life and point each and every one of them out. Easily. It’s not
hard to pinpoint each episode of breaking.
Carries it away, and I’m left with a blank hole. Never quite the same. Carrying
a new fear, a new obsession. A new scar beneath my skin, where no one else can
got to watch me, struggle, fall, bruise, and break.
weeks while I was there. Hopped up on meds, to calm the beating of my heart, to
fill my lungs with oxygen, relax the need to scratch beneath my skin.
mind. The darkness consuming my every thought and action. I felt the rocking of the drugs as they seeped into my
consciousness, stealing even more of me away. Dulling who I am in an effort to dull the mental illness’ that have
become such a part of me, that it leaves me stunned to look back on it.
rides, to get home to Alaska. It’s weird, but I think that my Agoraphobia
covers a state, not just a room. Because the moment I glanced out the window of
that plane, to see the snow capped mountains of Alaska, the sun sparkling
beautifully off all of that white.
into my pores, through my body, my heart, my soul. My mind calming like it
hadn’t for so many moments that I thought I would never breathe again.
staring out the giant picturesque windows at the mountains. The sight of them
and the snow covering them. The blue sky surrounding them. I was finally home.
Finally safe. Finally able to breathe.
have what I have living and breathing inside of their brain.
that piece back, can’t glue it back on. Moments, episodes, adventures,
catastrophes, love, grief, pain, reality…it shapes us, breaks us, puts us back
together, but always re-shapes us into something different.
I have fallen apart, and re-knit. Over and over. Until I feel like a jittery,
shakey mess, craving an ending to the panic that courses beneath my skin.
always stuck with me, but this one quote repeats in my brain. Over and over
in the snatches of light that breaks through.
don’t stop, you don’t quit, you don’t give in and allow it to win.
outshining the darkness in a kaleidoscope of color. You’ll walk out of it, catch
you’re breath and look upon the new you. The you that survived the fall, the
walk and the overwhelming consumption of darkness.
Stronger, sharper, maybe a little more tarnished, but even more beautiful than
before, because you just did something that not everyone can, you kept going through the darkest parts of yourself and you made it through. Even if the moment of making it, is just that, a moment, it’s still a success, it’s still something to be proud of. When you don’t succumb to the need to make it all stop, you’ve done something amazing. And when you keep going even when all you want to do is curl up on the floor of your brain and just stop being…anything. You win by pushing through and continuing on.
drifting sunlight, and then forge ahead.
sunlight, but mostly I’m stuck in the darkest parts of myself. Dealing with
triggers, and things that I thought were buried. Learning that there are new
things in my path, littered with old threatening to pull me to a stop, pull me under and drown the oxygen from my lungs.
devastating things consuming my brain. And I know it’s going to be hard. Every breath I take
reminds me how hard the next few steps I take will be.
/* Style Definitions */
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;