Woo. to. the. freaking. Hoo.
Seriously though, it’s a good thing and I’m attempting to not crap myself to death while my nerves hack away at my internal organs.
Yes, I’m anxious. Anxious and panicky and freaking the frack out.
It’s been a long road to this point, years of bloody chapters are being closed and a new bloodless one is beginning.
Tomorrow morning I get a hysterectomy. I’ll be an infertile & sterilized woman, not completely settled on how I feel about that.
But I’m a strange feminist and I take what comes my way with attitude and copious amounts of profanity.
I’ve struggled with writing about what is about to take place, more so than anything else in my life. Which is odd, because I’m a fairly open book when it comes to my life. And when I write I bleed rivers of blood, or what’s the point?
But this. This life changing surgery. I’ve gone blank whenever I attempt to write about it.
It’s been interesting since I found out that I had this medical option and that it was the only option left to me. I walked out of the doctor’s office and started crying, nearly fainting right outside the office door.
I was both relieved and totally completely heartbroken.
My metamorphosis and the way my brain, body and emotions have processed this decision has been nothing less than intriguing. I’ve sobbed, binge eaten away my feelings, found a new passion for flying in little planes, and screamed profanity at how pissed off I am.
The other thing that’s been interesting has been the looks and comments I get from people I know when they ask me about the surgery.
So many empty words have been thrown my way, while so much supportive silence and acceptance has been doused over me as well.
Strangely enough I have found more support from complete strangers and blessedly enough I have found my core group of women who came together to support me, proving that family is most definitely not the blood you are born into. Family is the people who stand up and help you shoulder your pain when shit hits the fan.
You’ll always know truth and those who are really there for you based on when the bad happens. So if your ‘family’ is anything like mine, silent and absent and congratulating you on your life changing surgery (yes, that really happened…) or just complete douches, let me tell you a secret. . .find your tribe and love them hard, family has zero to do with blood. Zero.
As for tomorrow. I’m going to Xanax it as soon as I get done typing and pray for blessed sleep.
Tonight I go to sleep with a Uterus and the ability to carry a child within my body, by the end of tomorrow morning, that part of me will be gone. But as I’ve stated above, family has zero to do with blood and maybe someday a child on this revolving planet of crazy will come into my life, maybe my kid is already floating around waiting for me. . .